• This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn more.
  • Welcome to iHelpForum - the place to get help from knowledgeable techs in all areas of Tech, Home and Auto help. Consider checking out our Guides or Registering an account to post on our forums today.

The Jokes Thread

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#3
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#4
You know that you are living in 2014 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12.You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this list.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#5
Who'll Pay The Bill?

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of Nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a Nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The Nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The Nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "just a spinster sister, who is a Nun."

The Nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are NOT spinsters! Nuns are married to GOD!

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#6
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#7
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thought about women over 50.
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

1: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
2: If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.
3: Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
4: Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
5: Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
6: Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
7: Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
8: Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!·
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#9
My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps.

Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.
Yo Smokey great to see you here mate, just what I needed before go to bed is a laugh with your jokes. (Please note I did not mention that word.) :D
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#12
CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING
The following was developed as a mental age
assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do this!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#13
"4 Worms In Church"

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.


The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.


The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.


The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .


Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.


Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


That pretty much ended the service!
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#15
Alway Be Nice To The Nurse...

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his butt. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
#16
These questions about Australia were allegedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

You can take most of this stuff with a grain of salt... :caution: