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The Jokes Thread

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.

12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."

13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.


Easy one to copy and paste here...
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
My Favourite Animal:

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principals office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.”


Guess where I am now?
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
Love this Policeman

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red

light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding

toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist

instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.


The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.


When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the

lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily,

and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving

record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his

license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.


On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the

red light.


Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his

signature and mine, same number at the top."


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on

this ticket you don't normally make?"


"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"

underlined."


"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir.


"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"


Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
THE VENTRILOQUIST APOLOGIZES

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together....

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly, teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, nedium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking, and after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!" "Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. As they continue she is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night with this sensitive guy they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."


The husband texted back to her:


"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy"...
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
Christmas Symbols -


Three men died early in December and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so...... The Christmas Season begins......