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Wit, Wisdom & Whimsy

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
BELIEVE it or not , This was a REAL 911 Call...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yea I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…. I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No. Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK

Here its goes ,Too funny!

1) The “Rooster” – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook “Good
Morning” every day.

2) The “Lurker” – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads
everything, and might make reference to your status if they…
see you in public.

3) The “Hyena” – Doesn’t ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) “Mr/Ms Popular” – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.

5) The “Gamer” – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.

6) The “Cynic” – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced
by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

7) The “Collector” – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The “Promoter” – Always sends event invitations to things that
you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The “Liker” – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the
“like” button.

10) “Drama Queen/ King” – This person always posts stuff like “I
can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in
the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what’s wrong…but
then they never finish telling the story.

11) The “News” – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.

12) The "Smartest of all" Who updates everyone on what is best for others...
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
· The batteries were given out free of charge.
· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
· A will is a dead giveaway.
· If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
· Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
· A boiled egg is hard to beat.
· When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
· Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
· Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
· When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
· Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
Waiting


I am that silly old dog waiting on the porch for you to come home.

I am that scruffy old cat in the window waiting for you to came home.

I am that old teddy bear sitting forgotten in the corner of your room waiting for you to come home.

We all wait for your smiles, your hugs and your love.

We will forever wait for you to come home.

The hours, the days, the weeks and the years, we wait for you to come home


By LC
 
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Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
How Rudolph was born...
A man named Bob May, depressed and broken hearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer.
Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?"
Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember.
From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression.
Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums.
Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook!
Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling.
Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form.
The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose.
Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day.
But the story doesn't end there.
The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book.
Wards went on to print, "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph.
That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May.
The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either.
Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore , it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry.
"Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."
The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
Old LC got a royal dressing down today. One would say he deserved it and why you may ask? Well, old LC thought he was being nice. He thought he was offering someone a pleasant greeting and well wishes. It appears he was wrong. Today I wished someone a simple Happy Holidays and received not the expected reply but a tirade of indignation and scorn. It seems I ran into someone who does not believe in the holidays. Why must people find offense where none is intended as I can assure you I intended none. Why must people make an issue of minor things in life? My friends, I am no Saint by any stretch of the imagination but I find that being nice and offering a kind word just fits well in my life. I do not know what you believe or find offensive. If you want me to know that then get to know me and lets discuss the matter. When I offer you a greeting please know that I offer said greeting with honest intent. I am being kind and respectful. Please accept it for which it is intended and should I offend you just explain my error so that I may apologize. If we would only realize that not every remark we receive is meant to be disrespectful or mean spirited. Take what I give as innocent for that is what it is, unknowing of what you and who you are. A greeting from my world to yours. I will not take offense at your greeting for it came from who you are and what you know. Right? :)
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
I have got a politically correct greetings for this time of year, I will try and find it and post it.

It covers just about every thing / one.

I also updated my scores re cats in heaven yesterday, my partner run over a mobile phone yesterday.

My score re cats in heaven:

Bear 19½ - Cats 0
Snake 1 - Cats 0
Bear 1 - Sacred Ibis 0
Bear 4 - mobile phones 0
Joolz 1 - mobile phones 0
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious socially-responsible low-stress non-addictive gender-neutral celebration of the summer/winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice as long as there are no public demonstrations or declarations, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2017, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders...
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
LC... Those kind of people expect the world to preform as they would like to dictate!!
My response to them would be something like... Excuse Me... Feel free to enlighten me... But I am not of the understanding that I was placed on this planet to live as you would like to prescribe...
 

Presiding Cat

Well-Known Member
iHF Legend
The issue for me in circumstances such as this... Is that if someone's nose is out of joint because they don't like the way I worded a greeting of well wishes... It does not need to be my problem... I do not need to be the one that is hurting because of it...

I just don't see it as being my problem... Because I aspire to be self controlled as opposed to being controlled by someone else... As much as possible... I prefer to be the one who is in control of my emotional well being...
 
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Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
Each day brings a lesson for me to learn my friends. Each day I ponder and try to learn from that days trials and tribulations. If I can just understand what makes me get up in the morning and face other people I know I will be able to die with the satisfaction that I have solved one of the most profound mysteries in life. What I know is that we humans are fundamentally the same on the genetic level. Where we deviate is in our minds, our mental state. Our appearance on the outside is nothing more than natures way of telling us apart. Race, Religion, Political, Sexual differences are an affectation of the mind. That we are different in our thinking is a wonderful thing as it helps to have many perspectives of the world. What we forget is that ours is not the only way to view this world, this life. We become so rigid in our mindset. No other view point is acceptable. If I could just understand why this is then I could die happy knowing I learned something today. :)
 
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Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
I do not really give a daffy duck what people think. The festival that is termed christmas or whatever, was originally celebrated as the winter solstice way before so called religion got it's hooks into it... :meh:
I respect that Mate and to some degree I agree with you. What bothers me is that some people can not see that I and others are only offering a greeting and well wishes in the way we were taught. It is not that one is expected to believe any certain way. I suppose I am doomed to repeat my mistakes my friend because I never learned how to NOT be respectful to those around me. My dear old Mother saw to that. :D
 

Arctos

Beware of the Bear...
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
What bothers me is that some people can not see that I and others are only offering a greeting and well wishes in the way we were taught
I respect that point of view, but there are far to many people in this world with this political correctness sh!t idea.

Either way some one gets offended, it does not matter to me as I shrug it off as I have been to the University of Life.

I know you were well brought up by your parents LC, and I admire that very much for your manner and courteous demeanour. I myself had to grow up quick when I was young and take responsibility for my actions at a early age, unlike a lot of the selfie gen mob today.

Happy Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Solstice Greetings, Happy Festivus y'all... :D
 

Lord Chance

iHelpForum Jester & Door Greeter
iHF Veteran
Advisor
WCG Team Member
I shrug it off as I have been to the University of Life.

I know you were well brought up by your parents LC, and I admire that very much for your manner and courteous demeanour. I myself had to grow up quick when I was young and take responsibility for my actions at a early age, unlike a lot of the selfie gen mob today.

Happy Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Solstice Greetings, Happy Festivus y'all... :D
My only saving grace in this world was my Mother's love, gentle heart and firm hand Arctos. I now somewhat of the University of Life but I did have her to help me decide how my life would go. In the end I made the decision myself. I respect people who have resisted letting the bad times in their life turn them sour. You, my friend, seem to see the world thru open eyes. You see the good, bad and the totally idiotic and keep on about business. For that you have my deepest respect. As for me, I will always ponder the mysteries of life and speak my thoughts. Some say I think too much but it keeps me young and alive. You see, I can't die until I solve at least one of those mysteries so I just may live forever. :roflmao:

Whatever you find in life and believe I wish you the best in it Mate. Maybe that is how I should greet other? Might keep me from offending someone. Naw! :D